From as far back as I can remember, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I've never truly identified as female nor have I ever been particularly feminine. I have never fit the gender norms assigned to the little girls I was around growing up. On the very same side of the coin, I've always had a strong foundation in my faith and spirituality. One of the earliest accounts I have of reconciling my gender identity with my faith would be vividly recalling my child self applying the story of Samson to myself and to my own long hair. I was strong, and I knew it. I also had long, thick, dark, handsome hair. I would pride myself in being the strongest "girl" among my friends, and since I did not see myself as a girl I thought that since Samson had long hair and, in short, his "strength" was in his hair then that's why I wasn't going to cut mine. I made myself believe, in a sense, that my strength was in my hair too. It was almost like a security blanket for me, and in my mind it did not feminize me any more or less than it made me masculine. After all, I knew men with long hair and I knew women with short hair.
If you recall from my very first post, I was raised in a Baptist church and that was only one of a few protestant denominations within my family. Yes, I was raised to believe that God made "man" and "woman," and I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin of the flesh, and sins of the flesh were abominations in the eyes of God. Let me just say, I am in no way qualified to give any technical theological breakdown of scripture, however God has blessed me with a sound mind and the ability to discern His word. With that being said, my mother and I recently had a discussion via text regarding my request to be called Eliot and to be referred to by my preferred pronouns. It was a little rocky, but I feel like maybe we made a little progress.
I initiated the conversation, I suppose, when I sent her a text reminding her of my preferred name and pronouns. She responded with a few verses from scripture, including some of the "Clobber Passages," which are merely 6-7 verses from scripture that are frequently interpreted as alluding to condemnation of homosexuality and are often used by Christians to "clobber" LGBT people. The first verse she referenced was 1 Peter 5:8, after mentioning that Satan will make us think things that are not real. Then she told me that my eternal security is what is most important to her, then referenced 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. After that she told me that I will always be Erika to her, no matter what. I chose not to include scripture in my response, instead I responded by letting her know that I actually had prayed about my gender identity, as I had done previously regarding my sexuality. That I've felt this about my gender identity for as long as I can remember and that I spent so much time examining myself, my faith, and scripture that it had taken me until 26 years old to be confident and secure enough in all aspects to acknowledge it to more than myself. I then sent her a link that I had come across a few weeks before, that I intended to send to her. The link was titled 7 Deadly Sins Parents Commit Against Their Transgender Kids- In Memory of Leelah Alcorn. I asked her to please read it in its entirety, as I know she, much like myself, is a skimmer. Below is the remainder of the conversation:
Below are a couple of comparison pictures. Day 2 on T compared to day 75 on T. I've put on quite a bit of muscle, and my face has changed a surprising amount within only 75 days. I can't explain the shift in confidence, self image, the way I respond to others, and my over all mental and emotional health. I've never been a depressed or sad person, in fact I've always been a very confident and happy person, but becoming outwardly the man I've always been inside has had such an incredible impact on my psyche, my self awareness, and awareness of others.
Thanks for reading. Be kind and respect one another.
Eliot
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