If you recall from my second post, I wrote about my parents' responses to my coming out to them as trans. My dad's response was delightful, and it caused me to feel so much relief. My mom's response, on the other hand, was less than desirable but could've been worse. Following their responses, I went to their house to visit the following Saturday (2 weekends ago). It was as if I had never said anything at all. They used my birth name repeatedly without hesitation, and misgendered me the entire time as though I had never told them otherwise. Even though I was displeased with the total disregard of what I had confided in them, I tried to be understanding and sensitive to their feelings of having just learned that their child was no longer their daughter, but their son. So on went the visit, and I didn't say anything or correct the pronouns they continued to use in reference to me. About a week later, I came across a TED Talk of a father who told the story of his transgender son, and how his family adapted and that he is now proud to call his child his son. The man was well spoken and clearly genuine, he also spoke very highly of his son, so I shared it with my mom. I sent it from my email address that includes my new name, and I included a brief message commenting on how I enjoyed how well the man knew his son and how highly he spoke of him, and I simply asked her to please watch it. I did not get a response, and I have not yet asked her if she has gotten a chance to watch it.
My mom's birthday was last Thursday, 3 days before mine, so I sent her an image that read, "happy birthday to my beautiful mom." Mind you, I have never felt like a daughter, granddaughter, goddaughter, or niece. Instead, I have always felt more like a son, grandson, godson, and nephew. Even in the way I relate to the men and women in my life, I have always been treated and related to a bit more like a boy than a girl. Therefore, part of me relished the idea of, as her son, telling my mom that she is beautiful and to have a happy birthday. Doesn't most every son think his mother is beautiful? Anyhow, I'm not sure if what I sent to her on her birthday prompted her to send the message she sent to me on my birthday, but it was definitely not what I was going for.
I woke up Sunday morning to a couple of birthday wishes that had been sent earlier in the morning. In my half awake state, I saw that I had a message from my dad, my mom, and a few others. I noticed in the preview of the message my mom had sent me there was an image that was pink with what looked like tiny flowers, and since I was trying to begin my birthday on a good note, I decided to wait to read my birthday wishes (especially the one from my mom). When I finally decided to get up and start the day, I opened my birthday messages saving my mom's message for last.
I did not respond to that message as I felt it was blatant and purposeful and I did not want to give it any weight on my birthday. I did not want to have any negative words with my mom on my birthday, and I knew I would be able to better address it at a later time. After church and after Sara and I had gone to lunch, I got a text from my mom stating that she hoped I was having a good day. My response was brief and polite and I wished her a good day in return. I knew I needed to let myself feel what I needed to feel about the message I had received from my mom. So, yesterday, I had some time to myself at my office and I let myself process my thoughts and feelings before I decided to even consider addressing the issue. I thought about how typical it was of her to respond this way. Has she not grown? Have we not grown over the years of going through the tough stuff? What is the purpose of trials and struggles if we do not grow from them or gain any wisdom? Shouldn't we be in a different place at this point? Why must I always be met with denial, guilt, disregard for things already acknowledged, elected oblivion, and total disrespect? Is she not tired of pretending or putting on the same tired charade? Does she not want to know or acknowledge me for who I truly am? Is she that comfortable with living in a fairy tale instead of facing reality? Does she prefer superficial appearances to true meaningful connections? Why has she always defaulted to "sweep it under the rug" mode rather than dealing with real life? I could go on and on with the questions.
I have had many years of experience in dealing with my mother, and her (not) dealing with me and/or other things. I love her dearly, but she does not affect me the way she used to. Even though I would like her approval, support, and understanding, I do not NEED those things from her any more. More than anything at this point in my life and my relationship with her, I see more clearly that she doesn't have a great grasp on herself or her own reality, which causes her to be unavailable for me and most others. I'd like to think that people can be shaken into reality, but I suppose that if they wanted to open their eyes then they would.
I have not yet confronted my mom on deliberately misgendering me on my birthday, or her total disregard of my request to be addressed by my male name and male pronouns. I could explain the same thing a thousand times over in multiple ways, but I do not trust that she will be able to let herself truly hear me or see me. I have experienced so much happiness and freedom since starting my transition. I see such big, wonderful blessings ahead for me and my household. I pray that my mom gets to see the things she is and has been missing out on, but it is not my cross to bear and I can no longer assist in carrying that weight.
This was not mean to be a sob story or a Debbie-downer. I mostly wanted to take the time to write this all out to get it off my chest and possibly for someone else to read and identify with. My relationship with my mom has been fairly contentious over the years. My growing up and becoming my own self was not welcomed within that relationship, and has continued to be an ongoing, ever-multiplying issue. No one should ever be ashamed of or feel like they have to contain or mask their true self for the sake of others. I've spent too long living a double life, and hiding myself from people who might be "uncomfortable" with the truth. Living an authentic life, living unapologetically, and without being tethered to the expectations or opinions of others is beyond compare.
The rest of my birthday was definitely relaxing and wonderful. Sara made my birthday cake, and we enjoyed a lazy evening at home. All in all, it was a great birthday. I got to enjoy an awesome sermon from Rev. Wren, I got to have lunch with my best girl, I got to workout one of my favorite muscle groups, and I got to kick back and get some much needed rest. Oh, and cake. I got to eat cake!
Thanks for reading. Be kind and respect one another.
Eliot
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